The medium of writing provides me the courage to ask the questions I am too embarrassed or too afraid to ask aloud. For example, why do fools fall in love? Do we have the right to love whoever finds us lovely? Questions, perhaps, could lead me to a better understanding of the subtle power of human connection.
Contemporary culture discourages the imagination regarding love and intimacy. Our goal today is to self-indulge and to satisfy our desires and fantasies instantly. The pursuit of status, and consumer goods has robbed us of the real work of our humanity. Stimulation and technology has replaced delayed gratification. It appears the more we have to plug in to play, the weaker our human ties become.
On the other hand, a dominant message in the media is on love. Films, songs and literature encourage us that “love conquers all.” Now, more than ever the hope to find a deeper meaning and understanding through connecting with another human is vital and needed.
I grew up with love songs in my home. My mother’s LP collection consisted of Al Green, Barry White, Diana Ross and many others from the Motown Collective. The sounds and lyrics were infectious, with each song promising how there could not be any barriers to love and intimacy. Of course, it is not so simple. Intimacy is subtle, elusive and often short-lived when found.
I use to think that all I needed was a person to understand me, and maybe then we could create that magic. The dream of those songs became an illusion. Like so many of my contemporaries, I cruised the hotspots—clubs, bars, weekend getaways, trying to compensate for what I thought was lost. Love.
Men like myself are often torn between these two worlds: the world that we must survive in, and the other world we feel driven, compelled to seek out. To me, it felt like the warring of two souls, pleasure versus intimacy. Reconciling those two souls is not straightforward. The relationships between these needs are paradoxical because the expression of one conjures up the need of its counterpart. I wanted to connect with others but not lose my autonomy, and how do I express my freedom without being alone or isolated?
In this context, having a successful relationship is a tall order. Our partners are demanding friendships and pleasure, partnerships and spiritual support, intellectual stimulation and private space. Creating love is one thing but sustaining love between mates and soul mates, is another.
I’m like so many men who walk around with a misunderstanding of what my needs are in proportion to my relationship. Too much attention and I presume that all is well. Too little attention then something must be wrong. Getting the proportions right has always been a challenge.
Yet, I could never conquer the need for intimacy. I desired intimacy but settled for sex because we, as men haven’t been taught to share our feelings, needs, and desires outside of the bedroom. The hope for intimacy is never too far from all of us.
Contemporary culture discourages the imagination regarding love and intimacy. Our goal today is to self-indulge and to satisfy our desires and fantasies instantly. The pursuit of status, and consumer goods has robbed us of the real work of our humanity. Stimulation and technology has replaced delayed gratification. It appears the more we have to plug in to play, the weaker our human ties become.
On the other hand, a dominant message in the media is on love. Films, songs and literature encourage us that “love conquers all.” Now, more than ever the hope to find a deeper meaning and understanding through connecting with another human is vital and needed.
I grew up with love songs in my home. My mother’s LP collection consisted of Al Green, Barry White, Diana Ross and many others from the Motown Collective. The sounds and lyrics were infectious, with each song promising how there could not be any barriers to love and intimacy. Of course, it is not so simple. Intimacy is subtle, elusive and often short-lived when found.
I use to think that all I needed was a person to understand me, and maybe then we could create that magic. The dream of those songs became an illusion. Like so many of my contemporaries, I cruised the hotspots—clubs, bars, weekend getaways, trying to compensate for what I thought was lost. Love.
Men like myself are often torn between these two worlds: the world that we must survive in, and the other world we feel driven, compelled to seek out. To me, it felt like the warring of two souls, pleasure versus intimacy. Reconciling those two souls is not straightforward. The relationships between these needs are paradoxical because the expression of one conjures up the need of its counterpart. I wanted to connect with others but not lose my autonomy, and how do I express my freedom without being alone or isolated?
In this context, having a successful relationship is a tall order. Our partners are demanding friendships and pleasure, partnerships and spiritual support, intellectual stimulation and private space. Creating love is one thing but sustaining love between mates and soul mates, is another.
I’m like so many men who walk around with a misunderstanding of what my needs are in proportion to my relationship. Too much attention and I presume that all is well. Too little attention then something must be wrong. Getting the proportions right has always been a challenge.
Yet, I could never conquer the need for intimacy. I desired intimacy but settled for sex because we, as men haven’t been taught to share our feelings, needs, and desires outside of the bedroom. The hope for intimacy is never too far from all of us.
Header art by T. Guzzio. Original photo via the author.
CONNECT WITH DAVID:
David Shawn Smith is a native of Memphis, Tennessee who has lived in Atlanta, Georgia since the summer of 1999. After working extensively in human resources in the corporate world, he took a leap of faith and opened I Speak Life Coaching in 2007. David specializes in the areas of communication and interpersonal relationship skills, conflict management, goal setting, and organizational development. His clients include business owners, universities, non-profits, and faith-based organizations and community leaders. David has a degree in Communications and Rhetoric from Oglethorpe University, and he is currently working on a Master's Degree in Leadership and Coaching from Bellevue University. In addition to Prodigal's Chair, David's work has appeared in Creative Loafing, as well as countless other on-line publications. Connect with David on Twitter and Facebook, and via his website: http://www.ispeaklifecoaching.com.
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