I once was lost but now am found; was blind but now I see.
It took me many years of personal reflection to figure out just how my call to Christian ministry came out of my mother’s death. At first I thought it was because I had somehow received the strength to attend her in her last days and being present with her as she breathed her last. All my life I believed that I would never have been able to do that. I was too afraid of death, the finality, the loss. I came to understand, however, that wasn’t where God was in all of this. Or at least, that wasn’t ALL God had in store for me. No, what I came to believe is that with my mother’s death came my true life, the life that I was always meant to live as one of God’s beloved daughters. You see, I grew up being the good daughter; the one with the good grades, the friends who weren’t hooligans, the one who got the great husband and son, and lived in the big house on the hill. My parents were so proud of me, and oh so disappointed if I made the smallest mistake. I was also the one being molested by my uncle. I couldn’t tell anyone because then I wouldn’t be perfect anymore. And so, despite feeling afraid and unworthy and damaged, I wore a mask. A mask of confidence and knowledge, the face of perfection and self-assuredness. Oh, if they only knew!
Over time, I came to realize that when my mother’s earthly life came to end, so did her expectations for me. I didn’t have to wear that mask anymore and I wasn’t going to. I was going to stand up for myself, say what I was thinking, and not allow myself to be hurt anymore. I believe THAT’S what God had in mind for me from the beginning. To be a child of God, not a child of my parent’s. That realization came hard for me because it meant admitting to myself that my mother had made mistakes in raising me and who wants to see their parents as anything less than perfect? Truth is she DID make mistakes; mistakes that cost me my childhood, my sense of wonder and discovery, my sense of self. Once God claimed me all that changed. When I say I was born again, people roll their eyes. They think I’m one of those Bible-thumping, hellfire and brimstone types. I’m not. But it isn’t an exaggeration to say that in my mother’s dying, I was given the gift of my own life, my own personhood. If you’ve had that all your life, you probably don’t understand what it means to me, to be able to own it proudly and say to the world, “This is me, warts and all. Take it or leave it.” But the power of that realization still brings me to my knees with tears of joy streaming down my cheeks.
When you are lost in the woods, don’t try and find your way out. You’ll only end up more lost. Grab the nearest tree and hang on. Those looking will come to you. Sometimes there’s only One who is doing the looking. And once you are found, you realize that you were never truly lost to begin with. Because you were never alone. You always had YOU and YOU are enough. And that, my friend, is what’s so amazing about grace.
Over time, I came to realize that when my mother’s earthly life came to end, so did her expectations for me. I didn’t have to wear that mask anymore and I wasn’t going to. I was going to stand up for myself, say what I was thinking, and not allow myself to be hurt anymore. I believe THAT’S what God had in mind for me from the beginning. To be a child of God, not a child of my parent’s. That realization came hard for me because it meant admitting to myself that my mother had made mistakes in raising me and who wants to see their parents as anything less than perfect? Truth is she DID make mistakes; mistakes that cost me my childhood, my sense of wonder and discovery, my sense of self. Once God claimed me all that changed. When I say I was born again, people roll their eyes. They think I’m one of those Bible-thumping, hellfire and brimstone types. I’m not. But it isn’t an exaggeration to say that in my mother’s dying, I was given the gift of my own life, my own personhood. If you’ve had that all your life, you probably don’t understand what it means to me, to be able to own it proudly and say to the world, “This is me, warts and all. Take it or leave it.” But the power of that realization still brings me to my knees with tears of joy streaming down my cheeks.
When you are lost in the woods, don’t try and find your way out. You’ll only end up more lost. Grab the nearest tree and hang on. Those looking will come to you. Sometimes there’s only One who is doing the looking. And once you are found, you realize that you were never truly lost to begin with. Because you were never alone. You always had YOU and YOU are enough. And that, my friend, is what’s so amazing about grace.
Header art by T. Guzzio.
CONNECT WITH CINDY:
Rev. Cindy Antonuk is winding down her time as the Pastor of the First Baptist Church in Gloucester, Massachusetts. She will soon embark on a new journey, as she and her husband move to Florida as he advances his career. Like those explorers who preceded her to the Sunshine State, Cindy is looking forward (and upward) as she sets out on this new path, knowing that -- even if she gets a little lost -- "God will make a way." Follow her on Twitter @PastorCindyA.
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